Dawn

My resolution for next year-

Is to remember you.

And to forget you.

Oh, and I will be bulletproof (not that that’s happening, but hey I can hope can’t I?)

Every hour tastes of ash and yet I stay. For, tonight nothing matters. We are suspended in a bubble sheltered from the world. No tomorrow. No yesterday. This moment is unique.

Red wings write words I do not understand into the black sky.

Welcome 2011. Goodbye 2010.

Linger

Dark,dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill.
Which I is I?

- Theodore Roethke [In A Dark Time]

Coal Smoke

The moon is beautiful today. As I looked out of the window of the bus, I saw the moonlight glinting off the serene waters of the river. The whole scene had an ethereal quality about it. As the night air washed over me, for a moment I had this feeling that I had visited this scene before in some half- forgotten dream.

Déjà-vu is funny. It doesn’t really matter why, but the vibrations which run down my spine always take me by surprise. I’m rambling again.

Nowadays, I notice a haze over the air late at night. Am I the only one who sees it? As winter becomes deeper and the nights longer, it stands out more.

To describe what I see and smell is like describing a color. What is there to say about red except that it is red? I can describe the sensations it invokes, such as warmth or vibrancy (or alternatively of blood and knives), but if you'd never seen red, no amount of description could bring its picture into your mind. How can I tell you of the sweet smell of the sea air as it engulfs you and overwhelms you with its potency? If you've never smelled it, the words by themselves cannot pervade your consciousness and make you feel.

That’s the most important thing isn’t it? Feeling, I mean … I feel therefore I live, therefore I am. That’s why we do the things we do. That’s why we say the things we say.

People call stars impersonal. Call me fanciful, but I have always felt that the twinkling stars show us that the world weeps and alternatively rejoices over the things we do. Ah the folly of humans!

A thousand books I need to read. The new Cornelia Funke is out. I have to go home and re- read The BFG again. There is this book called “The Knife of Never Letting Go” which I found amazing. I recently got the Sandman series so there’s that. I have to make a list of books I want to buy.

I’m listening to Joplin as I write this. Pink Floyd is lined up next.

My semester results came out today. I sit here trying to face the fact that the ogre will eat me up for breakfast. That’s become a knee-jerk reaction for me now. I pretty much suck at the business subjects. What am I doing here? This isn’t what I wanted or thought I’d do. Please let me get out of here. I can’t play out this farce anymore. It’s killing me.

There was this cultural fest thing for two days. It was weird. As I stood looking at people go berserk on the dance floor (I use the term in the loosest sense), I felt bleak. Why can’t I let go and forget?

I want to drown. To slip into sweet oblivion.

Things have changed in Bombay too. Radhika has shifted.

I don’t keep well these days. I caught a cold and coupled with my migraine I felt like the world was ending.

The good thing about this place is that you can see the stars. Without the cover of smog which obliterates the night sky in the city, there is real pleasure in star-gazing.

Yet I miss the lights, the noises, the hustle and bustle of the city. I miss standing on a beach and letting the sand run through my fingers.

Of all the things that are different now this is the one that saddens me most deeply.

Immobile

Planets don't have birthdays and neither do aliens- think about it!

And yes, Vi- change is all-pervading. (:-P)

So long, farewell

“Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell.” ~Emily Dickinson

Blind

It is winter again. Almost three years have passed since I have visited my city. I have so many people to meet, so many places to visit, so many things to do.

This is the worst and best winter. I have lost a piece of my heart. I have become a façade of turmoil. I like the sound of that last sentence. Outside I smile, I laugh, I chat and then I come up to my room. I stare at the laptop for hours trying to resolve myself to the truth. My fingers move mindlessly over the keyboard. I have flashbacks to everything that I did in the last 15 months or so. Everything I do has a poignant meaning to it. I can’t hold back these tears anymore. I miss my room. I miss shouting myself hoarse. This is the last I shall write about this.

I have become blind again. I have gone back to the fake smiles and the fake fakeness that defined me before.

Flashes of colour pervade my mind.

It’s like the whole world has become a giant kaleidoscope of blurry figures.

Things aren’t that great on the home front either. But then I’m kinda use to that by now.

I want to go to Bombay in the winter holidays. I want to have vada- pav with you in our school canteen Anu. I thank you for finally giving me the courage to talk to you again.

Flashes of red. What does that have to do with anything? I don’t know.

I want to build a space shuttle which is blue. With gray trimmings and purple stars. Why shouldn’t space have a flash of colour too?

I couldn’t sleep yesterday. So today I cut class and had a cold water shower. All that did was chill me to my bones.

I want to forget. I want to forget. I want to forget. I want to forget.
I keep saying that as if it’s a charm that will ward off evil.

My head hurts. A lot.

I did math again yesterday. Its scary how out of touch I have become in 3 months. I will have to slog if I ever want to do what I want to do.

I was out of my mind to come here. I hate this place.

This 26th of November I had an exam. Just like the 26th of November 2008. I can’t think of this anymore.

I am going to have to post this before the net goes off.